Complex-shun

 )))))))))))) (((((((((    )))))))))))   ((((((((((  ))))))))))

(((((((((((     ))))))))) (((((((((((      ))))))))  ((((((((((

 )))))))))))) (((((((((    )))))))))))   (((((((((    ))))))))))

Yes, those are squiggly lines, representative of an upcoming dream sequence.  Use your imagination, people.

"woooooh  Wooooh  WOOOOOOOOOOHHHH  reneeee-----  REnEEEEEEeeee Renee, this is your Piiiiimple speakinnng.....  WoooooOOOOOHHH......I have a messaaaaage for yooooou, from the Great BeyooooOOOnd, woooooooh"

"Huh?  What?? Who's there?  Marie?"

"NooooOOOOoooo wooooOOOOooh, like I saaiiid, this is your Piiiiimple, paaaay attentioooon!"

"Look, the ghost voice?  That's not working for me.  It's too damn early for ghost voice.  Did you just say you were my pimple?"

"Yeeeesss."

"Gross."

"Your conscience seeeennttt meeeeeee....  She's still maaaad at yooooou for ignoring her when she warned you about letting Marie watch Scare Tactics, but she couldn't, in good conscience, let this message go unspoken, so she sent me in her place."

"Did you just stop making ghost voice mid-sentence?"

"woooooooOOOOOOOOoooooh"

"Okay, so what's the message, besides, you know, exfoliating?"

"Pimple jokes are not apprreeeeeciaaaaated, woooOOOOOOOOHH"

"Sorry."

"Look, I'll be straight with you.  You're stressing everyone out, including yourself.  How about you just stick with one blog for now, ride out the storm of your mind, and then, if you still feel weird about it, you can always abandon that one, and come back here.  Conscience just thinks you need to chill out for a little while, and not allow yourself to get worked up about a few privacy issues."

"I see what you're saying.  But Pimple, what about the plans I had for this blog?  What I Tivoed? People I Know? Curse words?  What will become of them?"

"Use them in your other blog.  Make it whatever you want it to be.  It's not too late to change the format over there.  You're talented.  You can do this.  Stop worrying so much about what other people think of your blog or you.  Stop worrying about every little thing that can go wrong, by putting yourself out there.  It's not worth it."

"Thanks Pimple.  I think I needed to hear that."

"Noooo Prooooobleeeeeemmmmmm"

"Hey Pimple?"

"Yeah?"

"You can leave now, if you want.  I can take it from here.  I mean, you don't HAVE to be like, RIGHT THERE on my chin anymore."

"I don't know.  I was thinking of sticking around a couple more days, maybe inviting a few friends ove.... what are you doing?  Renee?  What do you think you're doing?  You know, that'll just leave a scar.  Don't do it, Renee!  Don't even think abo-"

*POP*

New Blog? But I Barely Read Your Old Ones...

I know I had a following at my other blog, but I got super paranoid about blogging about family, and so I'm taking things in a new direction.  Hopefully, anonymity(ish) allows me the opportunity to start fresh.  I will still post pictures at the old one, and you'll get plenty of those anecdotes about Psychic children and Nazi Dogs when I update.  I also decided to update the blind-lady blog when I do fun blind-lady things.  Fret not, I'll let my readers know.  

This blog is not about blind people OR family values.  So if you like Little House on the Prairie, you may not like this blog.  EXCEPT, that I LOVE Little House on the Prairie, and I'll probably write about it often in my What I Tivoed posts.  So, actually, lets back up a little, because I think Little House on the Prairie fans should stayed tuned.  However, if you like tanning salons or neon tank tops, you're probably in the wrong place.  (Unless you're Blayne.  BLAYNE!  READ MY BLOG!!!)

Anyway, I'd like to warn my mom, you may see some "language" on here.  I'll try my best to make sure the right is chosen, but I can't make any promises.  Also, I will probably talk way too much about Bravo television and bipolar tendencies.  It's what I do best.  Also, I GUARANTEE you will be confused by my blurred lines of reality.  You'll just have to roll with it folks, because I'm not here to defend myself.  I'm here to get a writing contract, so that Eric and I can buy a castle in Scotland and learn how to golf with our eyes closed.  

What I Tivoed: Project Runway Gets Creative

Welcome to the first of many installments in the series I plan on titling What I Tivoed.  Or WIT, if you're into clever acronyms (which, I believe we've already covered on this blog, no?).  

Right now my Tivo is out of commission, because we recently moved.  So I guess I should be calling this Should Have Tivoed, or SHT.  (*snicker*).  I had to watch my shows real-time, which is like, some kind of Stone-Age B.S., let me tell you.

I know that it's a little late to start blogging about Project Runway, but I'm seriously obsessed with this show, so I think I'll start there.  Season 5 is nowhere near as entertaining as Season 3/4, but it's plenty blogworthy.  I'm really not sure who I'm rooting for, even though I think I'd place my bets on Leanne.  My husband thinks she's cute, in a so-weird-looking-she's-cute kind of way, and it sort of offends me.  I rely on the comfort that I don't think he's seen her Bravo bio picture, because I'm pretty sure he'd take it all back the second he saw it.  I know she's high fashion, but those shoes are kind of gross, and people who make bedroom eyes and cock their hips make me feel icky. However, I give her much respect for cutting her own bangs fairly evenly, and l totally wish I actually  left my house every once in a while, because I would wear clothes from her collection, Leanimal, in a heartbeat.

Personally, I think Kenley's look is cuter, but she reminds me of a girl I went to school with (who shall remain nameless (unless you e-mail me)), and so I feel completely unable to root for her.  It would be doing my 8th-grade self a great injustice.  That's all I'm saying.  (Seriously, e-mail me).

Last night, the designers had to create a couture look using the Zodiac as their inspiration.  I liked the challenge, because I like crazy.  

As you probably know, the designers were paired with (to borrow a phrase from Tom and Lorenzo) "auf'd" designers, which meant the return of Daniel, my favorite Deer Caught In The Headlights.  I don't have an impossible crush on him or anything, but I would LOVE to give the guy a big hug, tell him I think he has good taste, and maybe sit in on his intervention.  I love people who seem uncomfortable in their own skin.  They're my weakness.

None of the designers made anything worth talking about, but it was still a great episode, full of fashion AND personal drama.  And poor Nina, on her first day back, looked like she just wanted to down a bottle of Exedrin and crawl back into bed.  She looked like a woman with heavy flow forced to run errands with a minivan full of preschoolers.  I know that look well.  

I hated watching it with the commercials, so hopefully my Tivo gets reconnected before next week.  I didn't even bother watching Top Design, which means, I have NO IDEA how Ricky Schroeder's eternal companion would decorate her fallout shelter, and that makes my life feel a little less complete.

Welcome Readers

Keep it real?  No thanks.  I'd rather be keeping it virtual.  

Couple of points of interest here:  

1.  KeepingItVirtual.blogspot.com was not available.  I thought of it ages ago, but I'm quick to think, slow to act.  You'll see.  

In any event, when I saw that it was not available, the first thing I thought was, "Stop saying whatever your brother is saying, seconds before he says it!"  I think that was from an episode of Roseanne.  I lose.

2.  For this day forward, you will refer to me as KIP.  Of course, I understand that Keeping It Virtual would transform into KIV, not KIP, but I have my reasons.  

Fine, I'll expound.  I probably have a learning disorder, because back when I was in elementary school, I didn't know that K.I.T. stood for Keep In Touch.  Furthermore, the first person who wrote it in my yearbook, in like sixth grade, had poor penmanship, and the T looked a lot like a P.  But she was popular, and I thought I'd echo her sentiments in others' books, so I went around writing K.I.P. in everyone's book.  I figured it stood for Keep In Peace or something equally radical.  Even AFTER I found out K.I.T. stood for Keep In Touch, my brain still had K.I.P. memorized, after writing it in the annuals of thirty of my peers.  And even now, when I jokingly write K.I.T., to be ironic or cute or whatever, I still think K.I.P. before writing K.I.T.  

I like my real name, but I'd rather be a poorly-designed string of initials that highlight my brain problems, in order to maintain some sense of anonymity.   I prefer, when you read KIP in your head, that you pronounce it phonetically, and not as K.I.P.  Just trying to Keep It Virtual. However, I feel obligated to mention, if you know me in real life and you call me Kip, I will punch you in the neck.   I also hereby declare that K-Dawg is not a suitable alternative. K-Town, however, will be accepted on a case-by-case basis. 

3.  This anonymous thing will not work out, I'm sure of it.  That doesn't mean I won't insist on dragging it on, well past the point of no return.  Sort of like how I hold onto the word "radical" and the band Oasis.  

4.  You are invited, nay ENCOURAGED to participate.  I will probably ask you to guest blog, even if you are the only reader.  I think guest blogging is hilariously egotistical, and yet undeniably essential to keeping up readership numbers.  Get used to tongue-in-cheek antics veiling earnest concern for high blog statistics.

That said, enjoy my attempt at a new blog.  I've thrown a lot of wet toilet paper at the ceiling of the blogosphere.  Let's hope this one sticks.

EDIT:  After a couple of minutes of reflection, I just can't do it.  KIP?  Really?? Kip is just so Young-Adult-novel-Best-Friend-whose-parents-get-divorced-forcing-her-to-become-a-klepto-to-gain-attention-and-steer-YA-heroine-off-the-right-path-until-lessons-are-learned-and-friends-confront-reality.  And even though reality confrontation is sort of the antithesis of this blog, I just can't take it this far.   

Nay.  I think we'll go with that.

Cast of Characters:

Nay (me, obvs)

Eric (psuedonyms just don't do him justice) (or maybe they do, and I'm messing with your head)

Although they won't be the highlight of this blogging adventure, I may make mention of my offspring, Marie and Baby Ford.  You'll get the hang of it, I promise.

If you would like a psuedonym, drop me a line.  I am all about playing god.  

EDIT AGAIN:  K-Town is still up for grabs.  K-Rock, however, has been reserved.  You gotta be quick in this game.